Ginger

So when I was came home for Thanksgiving, my mom warned me that our dog, Ginger, was looking pretty sick. She would always tell me on the phone how she didn't think she was going to last much longer, but she made it to Thanksgiving and I got to see her. She was a lot skinnier than she had ever been, but she still came to see me when I walked in the door. When I left back to school after Thanksgiving, my mom told me to give her a really good goodbye because she might not make it to Christmas. I kept just hoping she would make it even though I knew she was in pain. I flew into Arizona on Sunday, but didn't actually get home until Monday night. Monday afternoon, my dad called and said that Ginger died in her sleep and our exchange student, Sunny, found her. I guess Thanksgiving really was my goodbye to her.

All the dogs last Christmas when they were so pooped after opening presents. They are just so cute.

We got Ginger over 14 years ago when she came to my grandparents house on my grandma's birthday. We brought her to live with us in California after that. She's been with us ever since. Ginger was such a good dog. She's basically the first dog I really remember. Our house just won't be the same on Christmas without her. I've never seen a dog get more excited about opening presents.

It seems silly to write about a dog, but somehow they just become part of your family. I feel like we lost part of our family. It's weird not seeing her around and I'm not sure I'll get used to it. Even just thinking about her makes me sad. But it was a great 14 years with her.

Thoughts

Somehow I always seem to do my thinking at the most inconvenient times...like right now. It's 3am and I have a final in 5 hours that I haven't started studying for, and a presentation, take home final and paper due at 2pm...none of which are finished yet. I've been thinking about so much stuff lately. That's really what it is, just stuff. None of it ever seems like enough to just blog about, so I guess I wait until I compile enough "stuff" to talk.

I've been thinking about patience a lot. Everyone always says to just be patient and everything will work out. I'm getting really tired of being patient. I've been single and patient for 23 years...I just don't get how much longer I have to be patient. I think that being patient so long is making me impatient. How ironic.

The last couple weeks I keep hearing how I've been different. In some ways, I think it's a good thing. There are so many things I've had to let go of and I feel like I'm slowly learning how to do that; however, at the same time, I'm not sure if the different that I am right now is so great. Things I used to care about and put a lot of effort in just don't seem as important to me anymore. Maybe that comes with readjusting my priorities or something, but I'm still trying to figure out how things should be.

Before Thanksgiving, I went to a camp for the weekend and was a counselor to high school age boys and girls. The first night we had to give our testimony. That always makes me a bit nervous. I don't mind giving my testimony anymore because I'm comfortable with it and know that it got me where I am now, but I am never quite sure how I should say things. I wonder how I would react if I were hearing someone give my testimony for the first time. I do know that when you ask God to strengthen your testimony...He'll strengthen it in ways you never thought you could handle...and then some more.

Tonite I'm really thankful for friends who will bring you energy drinks at 3 in the morning just to keep you going for the next few hours.

5 more days until warm weather!

Scatterbrained

I feel like 3am would be a great time to be sleeping...but I can't. I should really stop putting off my homework and papers. Next semester that definitely won't work. My classes just keep getting harder.

This weekend I've realized a few things:

1. I should really figure out a better way to break news to my mom. Today I had to call her and tell her that I was rear-ended when I was in a friend's car. I probably should have mentioned that we were both okay and it wasn't my car, but I just kind of blurt things out because it's easier. I guess it's really one of the only times I've had to tell her bad news. The one other time there was bad news, I didn't tell her...and to this day I have no idea who made that phone call. Those things seem irrelevant now. I am a little sore though and hope that doesn't last long.

2. My friends mean the world to me. I hate when people talk about my friends...especially when they don't know the person that they are making judgments about. I get defensive. I know I would do anything for my friends, so I just don't like when people talk bad about them.

3. I don't know when I'll meet the person that I'll spend the rest of my life with, but I do know that I am pretty picky. There are certain things you just don't do. Word to the wise...do not let a girl leave from hanging out and walk to her car alone. It'd be nice if you'd walk her to her car or at least watch to make sure she gets there. Just saying, it's respectful.

God I need you to hold on to me

23 days...

My sister's finally engaged!!!

First off, my sister FINALLY got engaged!! I'm so excited for them. They've been dating for over 4 years. He's a great guy. I get to be the Maid of Honor. I've never been in a wedding before, but I still can't wait. Now the wedding planning begins.

I'm ready to go home. I usually don't get homesick, but the last few weeks have been exhausting. I'm so physically and emotionally tired lately that I'm just counting down the days until I get to see my family. I could use their support. And I finally get to meet Sunny, my family's foreign exchange student from Norway.

I don't think I've had so many different feelings all at the same time in a looonnng while. I don't know which ones are right and which ones shouldn't be there, but it's overwhelming. I've realized a lot lately and learned more than I've wanted to. I'm trying to believe that things will work out and hopefully calm down some, but that hasn't been too promising.

My roommates are the best!

I've loved having them around...especially the last couple of crazy weeks.

It definitely helps to have friends there.

Homecoming night with some of my favorite girls.

It was fun getting ready with all of the girls

and then going to the dance together.

My little sister's dog Zoey is dressed up as a banana split for Halloween. Haha

Perfection

It's almost 2 in the morning and I'm still awake. I never used to be the type of person that cared all that much about how I did in school. The last year or so has changed that. I've become a perfectionist. Everything has to be done exactly right. Last year it worked out just fine. I tried so hard in school and I feel like it really paid off. I had fun still, but most of my time during the week was spent in the library. The weekends were more for hanging out and even then I tried to get things done before. This year has become overwhelming for me. I am trying to hard to balance things out, but I just feel like I haven't quite gotten it figured out yet. I haven't been to sleep before 2 in a least a week (minus one day because I pulled an all-nighter the night before). My school work is consuming me. Sometimes I try to think that I don't care I'll just throw things together, but I just can't do that. I hate seeing my grades when I go about things that way. So now instead I'm still up at 2am taking a break from the ridiculous amount of homework I still have to finish. One more week of classes and tests and then it's fall break! I'm so excited to see some people! That is what is getting me through this week.

Friends

Sometimes I wish I could just get everything figured out all at once. Tonite I'm so thankful for good friends. Even though I should have been studying, I've realized how good it is to have a friend that you can just talk to for hours and not care about how late it is. I feel like it's so good to vent and get everything out...especially when they understand where you're coming from. It just makes it seems like you're not crazy for thinking the way you do.

I'm struggling so much not being able to talk to someone that I considered a really good friend. I know I hurt him and I wish I could fix that, but right now I also realize that trying to fix it only makes it worse. That sucks. I'm scared that things won't get fixed and that this whole year is going to go by and that's gonna be it. Right now that's just how it seems. I took so much away from him and didn't even mean to. I don't understand it and I just can't. I don't think the same way. But it hurts me so much knowing that he's not going to FCA and he's not going to church and when he sees me around it just hurts him and he has to leave. To think that I influenced someone that much scares me. I said I would understand if he couldn't talk to me right now...but I don't. I want to, but I don't. I'll keep praying and hoping for the best for him. I want to be a good friend and do the right thing, I just wish that the right thing was a little more defined right now.

There's only 49 days until I go home. It has been 131 days since I've seen my parents and my house and my dogs. I miss them. I miss that comfort of having them around. I know it's hard for my parents for me to be away from them. The worry about me a lot. I think they always will...more than ever. But I also know they're proud of me. And they know I'm in the right place just like I do. I know this is where I'm supposed to be and I love it here, I just miss my family a lot! I want to be there for everything and I just can't be. It's a good thing my friends at school are like a family to me now too. I don't know what I'd do without them.

This song describes so much for me right now.

Happiness

I like to think that I'm a generally happy person. I try to be optimistic in most situations and usually do a pretty good job of it. At the same time, I like other people to be happy too. I want them to have the same optimism in hard situations and try and find a positive in even the worst things. I guess that comes from my own experiences and feeling the need to be strong for everyone else. I always have this mindset that if everyone else sees you happy in the hard times, then they'll be able to be happy too.

Lately, I've realized that not everyone has the same mindset as me. How do you make someone else happy and tell them to be optimistic when they just can't? And even more than that, how do you make someone else happy when you're part of the reason they are losing hope? I wish I could just fix everything. I want to make everything okay. I want to let them know that they're not alone and that they do mean something to someone. How do I not feel guilty for making someone else unhappy when ultimately the thing I want is for them to be happy and find hope in something? I keep hearing that it's not my fault, but I don't believe that. I even feel guilty for being happy when they aren't. I don't know what to do or how to fix it. It's not a burden that I'm not willing to carry because I do want what's best. I'm not just gonna give up and hope the best for them. That wouldn't be like me. I just want them to find hope in something and happiness in things.

One of my favorite verses on perseverance...Romans 5:3-5:

"Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us."

September 11th

September 11th will always be an important day for people. I remember everything about where I was on 9/11/01. I was a freshmen living in Chicopee, MA at the time and was in my 4th period French class when I found out what happened. I had no idea what any of it even meant. My little sister was in 4th grade at the time and her teacher's daughter died in the Twin Towers. I can't believe it's already been 9 years since it happened.

Today also marks 3 years since my Aunt Lunde's life was taken from her. It still doesn't seem right. She was getting her life back on track. I will pray for the man who took my Aunt's life. The last time I talked to my Aunt, she kept telling me that the next time I was in town that I had to come see her house. She was so proud of it and proud that she was getting things together. I know my family will be thinking about her today. She was a person full of character.

Two weeks ago I went to church with a bunch of the tennis girls. I'm so glad they're coming and seem to be enjoying the church. That Sunday the pastor talked about how everyone has a purpose. I feel like I've heard that sermon a lot...but this time I heard it in a new way and I really enjoyed it. I think too much I try to do what I want at the time and not what is right. Part of what the pastor said was about being connected to your past. He said how nothing is wasted. Experiences are important whether they were good or bad. That's the part that I liked. One quote that stuck out to me was:

"Some of your most devastating moments

in life are also your most important."

I think that is so true for me. If it weren't for all the experiences I have been through, I would not be where I am today. I wouldn't be playing tennis all the time and loving every minute of it. I have no idea what I would be doing. I really do believe that my experiences were part of my purpose and I want to live every day remembering why I am here and that I do have a purpose.

I have been playing this song non-stop lately.

This week I'm reminding myself of this quote:

"I believe that our backgrounds and circumstances influence who we are, but we and our choices are responsible for who we become."

Moving On

I'm officially addicted to Nicholas Sparks books. Since last week I've finished 2 more of his books...The Last Song and A Bend in the Road. I just went and got another one today to keep me entertained. The Last Song was so good! I've already seen the movie, so I basically knew the gist of what would happen, but I think I liked the book even more! I definitely got a little teary eyed at the end. Movies don't make me cry, but I guess books have a different effect on me.

I've realized that moving on is a lot harder than what I thought. Part of me feels so disconnected because I want so much to understand why things happen the way they do. I heard something that I guess only half applies, but it said "I don't want to lose you but I don't want to use you just to have someone by my side."

The singles edition of the 5 Love Languages book has been a little more relevant to me lately. My mom asked me today what I thought her love language was...I was way off! But when she asked my order of the 5, she was surprised too. I've figured out that acts of service, most of the time, makes me feel guilty. I like when people do things for me, but I find myself feeling guilty later because I don't think I deserve what they did for me. So it's definitely at the bottom of my list

Tonite was a good night. Chris (the lady I live with) had said she was making dinner for Julia's last night in town. She leaves to see her dad for 2 weeks and I'll be gone when she gets back. Dinner was delicious and then Julia said how we were celebrating my birthday too. Their family has a tradition that everyone at the table goes around and says something nice about the birthday person...so that's what they did. It was so sweet. Then they brought out the cutest cake and gave me a bracelet. I'm really gonna miss having Julia around my last 2 weeks here.

My sister's come in 5 days! My little sister will be 18 on Sunday! Ahhh. Crazy.

I get back to school in 16 days. I'm so excited.

"Too often the thing you want most is the thing you can’t have. Desire leaves us heartbroken, it wears us out. Desire can wreck your life. But as tough as wanting someone can be, the people who suffer the most are those who don’t know what they want." - Grey's Anatomy

Rainy Days

I think that when the good outweighs the bad in your life, then you have to be pretty happy with how things are going. I've been trying to remind myself of all the good things I have in life. Lately I feel like there's a mix of good and bad.

The bad probably isn't that bad all the time. And maybe it's not even bad at all...but really a reminder that helps keep me in check. My summer hasn't been perfect. It's been raining a lot the last 2 days and I think that makes me feel more ready than ever to be done with the summer. It hasn't been bad really, but not ideal. And I've learned a lot from it. I won't get enough hours to fulfill my internship, but I've learned that I need to know exactly what I want and am going to get out of an internship before I take it. Next summer I'll be a little more selective.

In the past few years, I haven't been one to trust people, namely guys, very easily. I don't consider that a bad thing, and I don't think it will change...especially now. I need to let go of him so I can move on.

"Releasing the person is not forgiveness. Forgiveness

is a response to confession. It is rather a releasing of

my hurt and anger so that I am no longer consumed

by them. It is choosing to love people in spite of the wrong

they have done to me. It does not restore the relationship,

but it does allow me to live my life in peace and

love toward others."

Earlier this week I found out that a friend I went to high school with and was on the swimming and diving team with passed away. At first I thought maybe a car accident or something, but found out that he committed suicide. He always seemed like such a happy person and I never would have thought that things were that bad for him. My mom started talking to me about it and I did what I always do with bad situations...changed the subject. I don't like hearing things aren't good for someone, or even talking about when things aren't great for me. It's easier to change the subject. But I am thankful that I will always have people around me to remind me how important I am and how good things really are for me.

Some things are really good for me. My sisters come in 2 weeks! I can't wait to see them! We're going to have so much fun and it will be good to have part of my family here. My family is getting a foreign exchange student back in Yuma, so when they get back from vacation with me, they'll have a new sister for the year. I think that's exciting too.

I finally got an email about my internship, which is a huge sigh of relief for me. Even though I won't fulfill my internship hours this summer, I know that I don't need to be stressing out about getting 3 internships in before I graduate. Things will work out.

I am really looking forward to getting back to school and decorating my apartment! I'm actually looking forward to getting back in general. I have good classes this semester...and I'm thinking of changing my major...just slightly. It's a possibility. I feel like I'm on track. I'm excited to get back and see everyone and be on a schedule again. I'm looking forward to going to church with everyone on Sunday's and playing tennis all the time. Only 23 more days.

I really believe that there's something new to hope for everyday. And I'll continue to believe that. I started listening to The Undeserving and to Ryan Calhoun lately and really like the music. I love finding music and artists randomly and realizing that you really enjoy them.

Expectations

My sister for the summer, Julia! :)

I think I've maybe expected too much from this summer. I went into the summer excited because I'd be close to friends and I was going to have a job that I was looking forward to. And then I got here. Things have been fun and I've gotten to do so much already. So far this summer, I've been to Chicopee, MA at the beginning of the summer for a day, back home in Yuma for a few days, Dallas, TX, Boston, and now I'm heading to Chicopee again for a weekend of visiting with friends. :) My sister's come up in 18 days to visit and we're going to Boston and NYC too! I'm so glad I've had Kaitlin around this summer cause it's been fun getting to hang out. I would be bored without her! I have a great family that I'm living with and a really sweet 13 year old sister for the summer. It just frustrates me that I should be getting my first internship out of the way and it's more than likely not going to count. But I'm still trying to be optimistic. I know there are other options and that I have time to get my internships done, so I'm trying not to freak out too much. Only 4 more weeks in Connecticut and then I get to go back to school!

I've been reading a lot this summer. I read the last 3 books of the Twilight series and am officially addicted. I loved the movie Eclipse and am ready for the next movie to come out already! I finished reading The 5 Love Languages...and ended up buying the singles edition to read next. And now I've just finished reading Dear John. I forgot how sad the ending is. I don't like when it's not a happy ending...or I guess when the ending doesn't turn out how I want. Overall though, I like Dear John. There were parts I could relate too. One part Savannah is talking about a guy she dated and she says:

"He treats her like she's special...so she

begins to feel special too...even though

she's been warned that the guy isn't as kind

or sensitive as he appears to be..."

I think I've always had this notion that someone would change for me. Even though I know that shouldn't be ideal and I deserve more...I think it's the thought that you mean enough to someone that they would change for me. That they would stay kind and sensitive...or that would keep using that southern charm and not just put on an act for the first few months. I liked when John was talking about Savannah and said this:

"In the silence, I thought about the courage she

had shown, not only that night, but afterward.

Had she not told me, I would never have suspected

anything bad had ever happened to her. I marveled

that despite what happened, she had managed

to hold on to her optimistic view of the world."

I'm doing my best to always stay optimistic. While this summer isn't turning out how I expected and I'm not really working very many hours, I'm getting to travel and see a lot of people that I haven't seen in awhile. I get to go visit my old house this weekend and see people from high school. I'm looking forward to a few more weeks in CT and then heading back...although not thrilled about the 11 hour drive back!

This week I'm keeping this quote in mind:

"Life is all about perspectives. It's like looking at a person's appearance - you can look at the flaws and say it's ugly or look at the better features and say it's beautiful. Life is kinda like that. Life is what you choose to see it as."

Words of Affirmation

I started reading The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman a few days ago. I've had the book for awhile and never really thought that I would care to read it, but lately, it just seems appropriate. I get kind of annoyed with it at times because I don't have the singles version so sometimes it gets hard to relate to, but altogether I feel like I'm learning something from it.

After reading and taking the quiz...okay I took the quiz first...I was anxious to know what my love language is...I've learned that Words of Affirmation is first and Quality Time is a close second. I definitely agree with this evaluation.

One of the parts that stuck out in the words of affirmation chapter was this:

The best thing we can do with the failures of the past is to let them be history.

Yes, it happened. Certainly it hurt. And it may still hurt, but he has acknowledged

his failure and asked your forgiveness. We cannot erase the past, but we can accept

it as history. We can choose to live today free from the failures of yesterday.

Forgiveness is not a feeling; it is a commitment. It is a choice to show mercy,

not to hold the offense up against the offender. Forgiveness is an expression of love.

I have a really hard time with this. Probably because I know it's true. I like to think that I let go of things easily, but words aren't easy for me to let go of. I hold on to words that people say to me. Sometimes I wish they were still as true to them as they are or were to me. But I also hold on to the things that hurt.

The book talks some about how the way you show love could be a direct indicator of what your love language is. For me, that isn't true. The quality time part is, but not the words of affirmation. I'm not the best at giving compliments or expressing how I feel. It's probably something I should work on.

I read a quote last week that said "Things today may not be great, but they're not bad, and that's good." I keep reminding myself that.

Proud to be an American

Today's the 4th of July and it's one of the first times this summer that I've REALLY missed being home, besides my sister Katelyn's high school graduation. 4th of July in Yuma is one of my favorite times. I remember growing up whenever I was in Yuma for the summer, we'd always to the same thing. In the morning we'd go to the flag raising ceremony. Honestly, that was always my least favorite. I hated waking up early in the morning for it. But it was at Kyle's park, so afterwards we'd always go visit his tree and then go to the playground. So that seemed to make things better. Then we'd go to the bike parade. It was just a parade through a neighborhood. Nothing too big. Sometimes we'd get to walk at the end of the parade and that was always fun. Usually we'd go over to my grandma's house afterwards. Maybe eat some watermelon and just wait for the next thing going on. In the afternoon we went to the American Legion. They would always have free hot dogs and soda. Then they had a watermelon eating contest and you could go on train rides around Yuma. My sister, Brittni, always won the watermelon eating contests. I could never do that anymore. I hate watermelon! Then the last adventure of the night would be going out to the fairgrounds. They had a BBQ and then afterwards there were games you could play for free to win chips or popcorn. Then everyone would head to the grandstands for the demolition derby and the fireworks.

My absolute favorite part of the 4th of July, besides the whole meaning behind it, is when they would play the song "Proud to be an American" while doing the fireworks finale. They would light up fireworks in the shape of an American flag and an Arizona flag. It just made the whole day complete.

This 4th of July hasn't really felt complete for me. I miss my family a lot! I want so much to be celebrating with them and enjoying every part of the Yuma tradition. I feel like I've missed out on so much this year.

My little sister, Katelyn, is growing up way too fast! I missed watching her in the Miss Yuma County Pageant...where she got 4th runner up. Pretty amazing. And she looked gorgeous. Watching the DVD just didn't feel like it was enough. Then I didn't get to see her show her veal in the Yuma County Fair...where she got Grand Champion Showman. Another amazing accomplishment. And maybe worst of all, I didn't get to see her graduate from high school. She's growing up to be such an incredible person and I know she's going to do great things.

While I've missed so much, I've been given so much more. I am really trying to trust God more in my life. Moving to the east coast has been the best thing and I don't regret it one bit. I know that I'm so lucky to be at Methodist and really love it there! I've met some great people and I'm really looking forward to the next year. My roommates are awesome and so much fun! And I get to be an RA which I'm looking forward to. Plus I'll finally have more business and accounting classes which is so much better. All in all, while I really miss a lot about Arizona, I'm glad to be where I am and looking forward to getting back to North Carolina soon!

Happy 4th of July!!