75 Memories

My grandpa would have been 75 on March 24th. I listed off 75 things that I learned from him or memories I have of him and gave them to my grandma. I thought it might help her. I miss him a lot. Still can't believe I won't see him again.

75 Memories and Things I Learned from Papa

1. I miss Papa so much already, but I know that he’s always watching over me and keeping me safe.

2. Papa liked circus peanuts and would share with us sometimes.

3. I remember when Papa quit smoking and would always have caramel apple lollipops around to help him.

4. When I came home from school to visit Yuma, I would always come by to see Grandma and Papa and sit in Papa’s computer room while talking to both of them.

5. When I was little, Papa brought home a dog and let us girls name it and we chose Toto because of the Wizard of Oz.

6. I remember watching To Grandmother’s House We Go all the time at Grandma and Papa’s house. Even in the summer we’d still watch that movie.

7. I loved when Grandma and Papa came to visit Methodist last year and see my school.

8. Papa would stop at Wendy’s sometimes and get us chocolate Frosty’s. It just doesn’t seem right to eat a vanilla one now.

9. Papa liked to watch NCIS and I loved that because I didn’t have to change the channel if that was what I was watching or I would watch it with him if I was at their house.

10. Papa and I liked the same girl on NCIS. She was our favorite.

11. The dogs used to know whenever it was time for their treat during the day. Papa would yell “4 O’clock” and the dogs would come running from wherever they were to get a treat.

12. All the clocks in Grandma and Papa’s house were on different times because Papa liked clocks so much that they were all over…and they made noise, so that would have been a lot of noise every hour.

13. Papa would have orange slices in his computer room and would share with us. J

14. Recently Papa started collecting little bears and had them all around in his office. Even though I only got to see them once or twice, I think he really enjoyed collecting them.

15. If any of us grandkids were ever in the newspaper, Grandma and Papa would always keep the article and show it to us.

16. I loved when Grandma and Papa would come watch me swim or play tennis or any other sport that I was in. I know that he would have loved to be at every match if he could. I always loved having their support too.

17. Papa let me drive his truck when I had my permit. That made me feel really special.

18. When we would go to Golden Corral, Papa would always get Grandma’s dessert for her.

19. I remember having Golden Corral with the family and Grandma and Papa before I first left to move away from Yuma to go to college in Tucson.

20. Sometimes I would just watch CSI or NCIS in Papa’s office and just spending time with him that way was fun.

21. I can still hear how Papa would answer the phone whenever I called the house.

22. We would always have to wait for Grandma and Papa to get to the house on Christmas day before we were able to open any presents.

23. I loved getting to spend the holidays with Grandma and Papa.

24. When Papa would get a new “gadget,” he would always show it off. I could tell he was proud of it. His latest that I can remember was the van and I’m so thankful that he got it because he was able to make the trip to come see me last year.

25. One day I hope to marry someone that loves me as much as Papa loves Grandma.

26. Papa would always make sure that Grandma had someone to go to the movies with her.

27. I really liked when Grandma and Papa were able to come to an awards banquet because I really felt like I was making the family proud.

28. I’m proud that Papa was in the military. I will always have a huge respect for anyone who is in the military and even more so when they are family members.

29. The dogs always loved Papa. They would always lie underneath his computer chair and keep him company.

30. Papa and Dad would watch football or Nascar or whatever other sport was on TV when Grandma and Papa would come over.

31. When we moved to Massachusetts, Grandma and Papa drove all the way there from Arizona to see Britt and I graduate from 8^th grade. Then we were able to drive back with them to Arizona and spend the whole summer in Yuma.

32. I learned from Papa and Grandma that one day grandkids are going to be a wonderful part of my life.

33. I really wish that Papa were able to see me graduate when I do in December, but I know that he’ll be watching over me.

34. Papa would let Grandma come visit us when we lived too far away from Arizona.

35. Papa cared so much about Grandma. I could always see that and I hope that one day someone will show me that same amount of care and love.

36. There was always caffeine free diet pepsi in Papa’s room. And he would bring a can or two over when they would come over for the holidays.

37. I always thought it was so cool to be driving in the postal cars because people would give us funny looks for driving on the wrong side of the road.

38. I remember when we threw a surprise party for Grandma and Papa’s anniversary. I don’t think they saw that one coming.

39. Papa liked the satellite radio that was in the van and had his station that him and Grandma would listen to.

40. Grandma and Papa let us live with them when we first moved back to Yuma from Arizona. I’m sure it couldn’t have been easy having a house full of people all the time.

41. When our house was being built in Yuma, Grandma and Papa would go by the house and check up on it. They would take pictures of the progress that was being made.

42. I remember watching a storm in Yuma with Grandma and Papa and Mom and Dad. That same storm was when Dad broke his toe trying to help the neighbors.

43. I was so proud when I heard that Papa had quit smoking years ago when he did. I’m sure it wasn’t easy, but I’m glad he did it.

44. Grandma always talks about how she would write Papa letters when she was in college. I like hearing those stories.

45. One of my favorite pictures with Papa is the picture we took at Aunt Lunde’s wedding.

46. I loved how supportive Grandma and Papa were of the things that I was involved in.

47. When I talk about Papa now, my friends at school still remember when Grandma and Papa came to visit.

48. Before Golden Corral was open, we used to go to Hometown Buffet to eat with Grandma and Papa.

49. There was also a Chinese buffet that we went to a few times with Grandma and Papa. Having those lunches were always fun.

50. I learned from Papa and the rest of my family just how important family really is.

51. When we lived in Hawaii, Grandma and Papa got us a trampoline. I think that really made me love gymnastics even more.

52. Papa always knew about things going on in the news when I would come over and talk to Grandma and Papa. I felt like I was always able to learn something.

53. I think that Papa taught me that the news is important and how it is important to be aware of what is going on in the world.

54. Grandma and Papa would come to see our animals in the fair or the other different projects that we submitted.

55. Papa would let Grandma record shows on the television in his computer room because he knew how much she loved her shows.

56. If I ever needed a ride somewhere, Grandma and Papa would always find time to take me where I needed to go.

57. I’m not sure if Papa had a favorite baseball team or not, but he would always let us know how the Diamondbacks or Red Sox were doing.

58. Dad and Papa helped Aunt Lunde move back to Yuma. They took the bus all the way to go get her.

59. I can’t remember there ever being a time that Grandma or Papa forgot about something that I had going on. If they could be there, they were.

60. After Papa found out he had diabetes, I was never really sure what he was allowed to have, but Papa would always let us know if he should or shouldn’t eat something.

61. I liked talking to Papa about different previews of movies that were coming out and which ones looked like they would be good ones.

62. Even when I’m sure Papa was tired or hurting, I never saw him show that around the family.

63. I liked to learn new things that Papa figured out on the computer.

64. I’m really glad that Papa had his camera around at times. I think he really liked having the new bigger camera, and I think Grandma liked that camera too because the pictures turn out so well.

65. I’m glad that we were able to have a lot of the family over right before I left for North Carolina. It was fun to see the whole family together.

66. Even though Papa can’t be at Brittni’s wedding, I know he’ll still be there. I’m glad that he was able to come to the engagement party. And I am thankful that he was able to know Trevor and approve of him.

67. I always hear mom say how she learned a lot of her work ethic from Papa. I am thankful for that because I think I learned some of my work ethic from mom.

68. Papa would always take Scott to and from work. That showed me how Grandma and Papa would do anything to help any of the grandkids out.

69. I remember the last Easter that I was at home and Grandma and Papa came over and we all colored eggs and had an Easter egg hunt.

70. I liked when Grandma and Papa would come over for Thanksgiving dinner with us.

71. When there were tennis tournaments on television and I would come to visit, Papa always knew how the tournament was going.

72. Grandma and Papa would watch Diamondbacks games if they knew we were going to be at the game to see if we were ever on television.

73. I feel so lucky to have Papa as my grandpa because he taught me so much about loving family and working hard.

74. I am sure Papa is watching over me and looking for a special person to come into my life that will treat me the way that Papa treated Grandma.

75. I miss Papa so much already and think about him every day. I’m not sure that going home will be the same without him, but I know that he loved me and still does. Miss you Papa. I love you.

Closure

I've been thinking a lot about closure lately. It's been on my mind for a couple weeks, but I just don't know what it really means. Dictionary.com says that closure is "a bringing to an end; conclusion." I just don't think that's true. Well I guess it's supposed to be true. But I think there should be something in there about closure not being fair. When it comes to people, closure always hurts someone...or both people. I almost wish closure was really easy. That when you say bye to someone, that's it. I wish it could be a clean break...for lack of a better phrase. Closure, to me, doesn't mean that you stop caring or don't still want the best for them.

"I mean, maybe not all friendships have to be saved. You know,

maybe we're just meant to spend a certain part of our lives with

certain people and then move on." -Dawson's Creek

My grandpa passed away yesterday at around 11am Arizona time. I can't believe that I won't be able to see him when I go home. Even with as much as I've cried, I don't think it's still really hit me yet. He was such an amazing person. He would always be so protective of my grandma. Not because he was controlling, but because he really did care and love her so much. I miss him so much already. Every time that I have a Wendy's frosty, I'll think about him taking us randomly.

Last year, my Grandma and Papa came to NC to visit and see my school. I am so thankful that he was well enough to make that trip last year. I wish he were going to be able to see my sister get married and to see me graduate, but I'm trying to remember that he's watching over me everyday now. I pray that God would give my family peace and strength to keep going right now.

"God is our refuge and strength, always ready to help in times of trouble." -Psalm 46:1

FCA

The other day someone asked me about FCA. He asked me what the speakers talk about and it got me to thinking. I was trying to explain to him what I talked about when I spoke. It's been almost a year since I got the opportunity to speak at FCA. I decided to look at my speech...ya it's still saved on my computer. I'm glad I did though because I think I've forgotten a little the last few weeks just how much I really do believe that I'm here for a certain reason. It was a good reminder.

This was my speech almost a year ago:

Most people ask why I came to Methodist from Arizona. I always give out the simplest answer, for the PTM program, which is totally true. More importantly, I think that God had His hand in everything that I went through to get here.

I graduated high school in 2005 and I was ready to be done. I didn’t really enjoy high school, so I couldn’t wait for it to be over. After I graduated, I decided to stay in Yuma and go to the community college there. I wasn’t really sure what I wanted to study, so I just thought I’d get general courses out of the way. So that was college number 1.

Soon after classes started in the fall, I realized that the community college was basically just like a bigger high school. I saw all the same people and I just didn’t like it. I didn’t feel like I was getting the college experience.

So after a year in Yuma at the community college I decided to go to college number 2. I was accepted to the University of Arizona in Tucson and I was gonna be a general biology major. Tucson is about a 4 hour drive from Yuma. My sister was going to move to Tucson with me and we found a townhouse across the street from campus and moved in with our best friend. It was kind of like a dream come true for us because we always said that we’d attend the U of A together and get a house and that’s what we were doing. The U of A was definitely bigger than the community college and it was easy not to see the same people all the time.

I didn’t really get involved with any clubs there, but I was still enjoying my new college experience. I had started going to a church in Tucson and got pretty involved there. I was on the greeting team and eventually the leadership team as well. I had also found a girls small group that I joined and really enjoyed going to. I didn’t know it then, but that small group would help get me through a lot more than I could even imagine throughout the next year.

I was staying pretty busy with school and church and I had also found a job teaching gymnastics to little kids and absolutely loved doing that. So things were going pretty well up to this point. Then October 29, 2006 rolled around. That day I found out that my uncle passed away with cancer. I wasn't too close to him but he was family and it still hit me. Up to this point in my life I never really had to deal with anything going wrong. I’m not saying my life was perfect, but this was the first tragedy I’d experienced. So I didn't really know how to respond to it. Then the next day, October 30^th, my mom called and told me one of my friends from high school was diagnosed with cancer. I was a little freaked out because my uncle had just passed away from cancer and I didn’t want to lose a friend to cancer too. Halloween was the next day and I was going to try and just have a good day. November 1^st was kind of back to reality. My sister got a call that a guy we had just met and gotten to know a little was killed in live fire training for the Marine Corps. So at this point I was getting frustrated. One thing was happening after another and it had only been 4 days. I didn’t know how I was supposed to deal with everything. That night my sister and roommate and I were going to get dinner on campus. Afterwards my sister and I were going to listen to a speaker and my roommate was just going to go back to the house. For some reason I drove my car to go to dinner. Now I’m not really sure why, but I did. We were talking at dinner and saying that bad things come in 3’s so the worst was over. Well after dinner I gave my roommate my keys and told her that if she crashed my car to call my mom first and then call me. I was totally just joking around with her. I’m really protective with my car and don’t like people driving it, but it was only about a mile from dinner back to our house. So my sister and I go listen to this speaker and we’re there for about 5 minutes. Then I get a call from my roommate and I just know that she crashed my car. My sister tried to calm me down and tell me it was okay. But then she got a call too. So we go outside and I call her. Turns out she didn’t crash the car, but our house was broken into. In a way I was relieved because she was okay but at the same time I didn’t really feel comfortable in my own house. At this point in my life, this was the worst 4 days I’d ever had. I couldn't really understand why God would let all this happen in my life. I guess I didn’t really think I deserved it, which is pretty selfish of me to think. But like I said before, the girls small group I was in helped me get through a lot. This was kind of the beginning of that. For the next week or two, if I needed a someone around, I could always count on them. It was good to know that people were there for me. Eventually I just tried to believe that God was gonna get me through everything and it would be okay.

I would soon find out that everything happening in 4 days would be easy compared to what I would deal with next. About a month later I was getting ready for finals. It was a Sunday, December 10th, and it was a really nice day outside. I had a chemistry final the next day but I wanted to take a break. I told my roommate that I was gonna go for a walk at a park near our house. She asked if we could go after she got out of church that night…so around 9. At night in Tucson, it probably got to like 60 degrees in December, so I didn’t have a problem with it. The park is really nice. It’s like a walking park that has a zoo along the walk and a tennis facility. It’s also along main roads so it’s well lit and there’s a police station you have to pass on your way so it’s a pretty safe place to be.

When my roommate got out of church, we drove to the park and then started on our walk. The park is like a mile and half around so it’s not too bad. We had walked around once and I was kind of ready to just get back, but my roommate said she usually walked around twice, so I just agreed to keep going. We were having a good talk and I knew I wouldn’t get back to studying right when we got home. We were about halfway around when the night took a huge turn for us. Looking back, I find it kind of ironic, but we were right near the tennis courts when I heard my roommate scream and almost jump on top of me. I kind of glanced over my shoulder and noticed a man on a bike behind us and he had a gun. He proceeded to sexually assault both of us. The whole time my roommate was holding my hand and just kept telling me I’m so sorry over and over again. I would squeeze her hand and tell her that it was gonna be okay and that we were going to be just fine. For some reason I really felt like we were going to be fine. I was trying to be strong for the both of us. About 45 minutes later he let us go and we ran to a gas station and called the police. They were there within 2 minutes. By this time it was probably 10:30 Sunday night and I didn’t get back to my house until 10am Monday morning. I had a final at 5pm. Needless to say, my finals that semester were not very good.

I went home for winter break and I had already decided that I was going to be strong for my family. I knew they were taking it hard, so I had to be the strong one. A few days after I got home, my cousin moved in with us and she had an eating disorder. So then I really knew I had to be strong for them. I did my best to pretend everything was okay. I went back to school in the spring of 2007 and things were hard. I had a hard time paying attention with school and I had to find a different route to take to work. I also kept getting notifications in the mail about hearing dates, so it was making it really hard to forget about. Eventually in august I had to go testify in court. My parents came to be there, but I wouldn’t let them go in. I didn’t want them to have to hear all the details of what I went through. After I testified, I was done. I was going to do everything I could to move on. A few weeks after he was convicted, my parents came back for the sentencing. I didn’t go to that because I didn’t want to have to deal with any of it anymore. I don’t know if you are aware of how it works, but in the sentencing hearing, people can give character statements, which is basically saying how it affected their lives and the victims life. My Dad wrote his on my computer and I read it after he left. One of the things he said was that when he saw me for the first time after it happened, he wasn’t sure if he had to ask permission before he gave me a hug. That was really hard to for me to read. How could a man take so much away from someone that their own dad is almost afraid to hug them. But the guy was convicted…I don’t remember how long or any of the details, I just know he’s in jail.

Before I said that I thought it was ironic that everything happened by the tennis courts. When I returned for my spring semester in 2007, I started playing tennis with a girl in my small group usually 1 or 2 times a week. Tennis gave me an outlet and a way to just forget about any problems or worries I had going on in my life at the time. She eventually told me that I should try out for the community college team in town. I kind of didn’t really think anything of it cause I didn’t think I was good enough. But I thought I might give it a try. In the summer of 2007 I tried out for the team and made it. They gave me a full scholarship to play at college number 3. In September of 2007, the last of I guess you could say bad things, happened in my life. On September 11^th, my dad called and said my aunt had been murdered. By this point I was starting to think that God just really was throwing everything possible at me. Fortunately I had tennis going on at the time and it gave me my outlet again and I was able to forget about it for a few hours a day. The next year was more like rebuilding for me. School hadn’t gone well for me at the U of A but I had found something that I really loved doing. Like the girls in my small group, the girls on my tennis team were always there for me. We became close because we saw each other every day.

I know I’m skipping a lot of my next year, but in the summer of 2008, my tennis coach told me to start looking at other schools I wanted to go to after my one more year of playing tennis for her. I was still majoring in the science areas, but really didn’t enjoy it. One night I was reading a tennis magazine and read about the PTM program. I read about one in Michigan, but I’m an Arizona girl. I’m used to the summers being 120 degrees and the winters around 70. So Michigan was too cold for me. But when I found out about Methodist I thought it was perfect. However, it was on the other side of the country and I was sure my parents wouldn’t let me move that far away. Eventually my mom told me to apply because she saw how much I loved playing tennis and how happy it made me. When I got accepted, I was so happy that I finally was going to be majoring in something I was passionate about. Last summer, when I was getting ready to move, I didn’t get to see my family a whole lot because I was still living and working in Tucson. But the time I did get to spend with them, they could see how excited I was for a change. Before I left for school, my mom wrote me a letter and I want to share part of it with you.

“I feel more at peace with you going to North Carolina than I did even three years ago when you moved to Tucson. I don’t think it has really hit me as to how far away you really are going to be, but you know there were times when even Tucson felt forever away. I feel very good about Methodist. It felt like a home, so I hope that is really how it feels once you are there.

You have come a long way in the past three years. You took a bad situation in your life and didn't let it destroy you. One of my favorite quotes is ‘don’t let people identify you by your wounds.’ You have definitely lived by this motto. Your strength and faith has been an inspiration to me. I know I seldom talk about this, but I want you to know that I think about it still today. You have allowed me to think about it in a more positive light instead of negative. You have taught me to live for today and trust God for everything in my life. I am certain that God is in control of your life. I am certain that He watches over you all the time. I know that He protected you from so much more happening that night and I will be eternally grateful to Him for that. I may not be there to protect you, but I can protect you with the prayers I continually pray for you. Thank you for being an inspiration to me.”

I really believe that everything that happened to me was for a reason. I told my sister once that I believe that sometimes God lets things happen in our lives that benefit other people before we are able to benefit from them. I hope that someone has benefited from my story.

Ever since the first grade, my favorite word has been perseverance. I had it on a spelling test my first week of school and I will never forget it. I don't think my teacher realized how important that word would be in my life. This verse has helped me out so much. Romans 5:3-5:

“Not only so, but we rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.”

There's also a song that really helped me when I was going through everything.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e8HgAVenbUU

New Year, New Commitments

Sea World with my sister and our exchange student Sunny

It just seems appropriate to start the new year reflecting on the past and looking forward to what is to come. In the process, it's gotten me to thinking about the past more. I wonder if we knew the consequences of our decisions if it would make us change our mind before. I am pretty sure there's a few decisions I'd like to change or relationships I would not mind restoring a bit. But sometimes I think that there are things that are broken that cannot be mended enough to completely fix them. It's been quite the year I would say. I've had a lot of fun, but I think there's a lot that I want to be careful of for the next year.

At my small home church on Sunday, we talked about New Years Resolutions. Seems like that is a popular topic around this time of year. The pastor said how he didn't think that resolution was the right word, but rather a commitment. I guess that seems to sound better to me too. Although I think some are goals rather than commitments, I think they can almost go hand in hand. The pastor asked if anyone wanted to share their new years "commitment" and everyone that did said something about wanting to be closer to God or growing their relationship...I guess to me it seemed like a cliche answer in church. I didn't want to answer at all because my "commitments" seemed tacky after that. But then I started thinking about it and I want to be closer to God to and grow my relationship...but more than that, I want the things I do to be a reflection of my love for God. I don't think that's been the case for awhile. I know I can be hard on myself, but I do believe that I haven't given God my everything and I want to make that my commitment for this year and the years to come. Maybe the other commitments will come easier after that. I want to figure out my plans after I graduate in December (seems so far away but I know it'll come fast). I want to graduate with a 3.9 GPA...not sure if it's possible anymore, but I will get as close to that as I can. I would like to be a great Maid 0f Honor to my sister. (So glad I was with her to find her dress!) I'd like to not be such a nervous person. I don't like being the passenger in cars especially...and at this rate I'm pretty sure I'm on the road to having a panic attack from not being a confident passenger. And I'm sure there are many more things I would like to improve on or do, but they'll come as the year goes on. I'll start off now believing that God has me in the right place and really trying to trust Him first.

Back to school tomorrow. Can't believe my time at home is already over with. Won't see this place again until probably July for the wedding. Seems crazy. But, on a good note, I might have found an internship for the summer, so I'm pretty excited and praying it works out.