New Year, New Commitments

Sea World with my sister and our exchange student Sunny

It just seems appropriate to start the new year reflecting on the past and looking forward to what is to come. In the process, it's gotten me to thinking about the past more. I wonder if we knew the consequences of our decisions if it would make us change our mind before. I am pretty sure there's a few decisions I'd like to change or relationships I would not mind restoring a bit. But sometimes I think that there are things that are broken that cannot be mended enough to completely fix them. It's been quite the year I would say. I've had a lot of fun, but I think there's a lot that I want to be careful of for the next year.

At my small home church on Sunday, we talked about New Years Resolutions. Seems like that is a popular topic around this time of year. The pastor said how he didn't think that resolution was the right word, but rather a commitment. I guess that seems to sound better to me too. Although I think some are goals rather than commitments, I think they can almost go hand in hand. The pastor asked if anyone wanted to share their new years "commitment" and everyone that did said something about wanting to be closer to God or growing their relationship...I guess to me it seemed like a cliche answer in church. I didn't want to answer at all because my "commitments" seemed tacky after that. But then I started thinking about it and I want to be closer to God to and grow my relationship...but more than that, I want the things I do to be a reflection of my love for God. I don't think that's been the case for awhile. I know I can be hard on myself, but I do believe that I haven't given God my everything and I want to make that my commitment for this year and the years to come. Maybe the other commitments will come easier after that. I want to figure out my plans after I graduate in December (seems so far away but I know it'll come fast). I want to graduate with a 3.9 GPA...not sure if it's possible anymore, but I will get as close to that as I can. I would like to be a great Maid 0f Honor to my sister. (So glad I was with her to find her dress!) I'd like to not be such a nervous person. I don't like being the passenger in cars especially...and at this rate I'm pretty sure I'm on the road to having a panic attack from not being a confident passenger. And I'm sure there are many more things I would like to improve on or do, but they'll come as the year goes on. I'll start off now believing that God has me in the right place and really trying to trust Him first.

Back to school tomorrow. Can't believe my time at home is already over with. Won't see this place again until probably July for the wedding. Seems crazy. But, on a good note, I might have found an internship for the summer, so I'm pretty excited and praying it works out.

Ginger

So when I was came home for Thanksgiving, my mom warned me that our dog, Ginger, was looking pretty sick. She would always tell me on the phone how she didn't think she was going to last much longer, but she made it to Thanksgiving and I got to see her. She was a lot skinnier than she had ever been, but she still came to see me when I walked in the door. When I left back to school after Thanksgiving, my mom told me to give her a really good goodbye because she might not make it to Christmas. I kept just hoping she would make it even though I knew she was in pain. I flew into Arizona on Sunday, but didn't actually get home until Monday night. Monday afternoon, my dad called and said that Ginger died in her sleep and our exchange student, Sunny, found her. I guess Thanksgiving really was my goodbye to her.

All the dogs last Christmas when they were so pooped after opening presents. They are just so cute.

We got Ginger over 14 years ago when she came to my grandparents house on my grandma's birthday. We brought her to live with us in California after that. She's been with us ever since. Ginger was such a good dog. She's basically the first dog I really remember. Our house just won't be the same on Christmas without her. I've never seen a dog get more excited about opening presents.

It seems silly to write about a dog, but somehow they just become part of your family. I feel like we lost part of our family. It's weird not seeing her around and I'm not sure I'll get used to it. Even just thinking about her makes me sad. But it was a great 14 years with her.

Thoughts

Somehow I always seem to do my thinking at the most inconvenient times...like right now. It's 3am and I have a final in 5 hours that I haven't started studying for, and a presentation, take home final and paper due at 2pm...none of which are finished yet. I've been thinking about so much stuff lately. That's really what it is, just stuff. None of it ever seems like enough to just blog about, so I guess I wait until I compile enough "stuff" to talk.

I've been thinking about patience a lot. Everyone always says to just be patient and everything will work out. I'm getting really tired of being patient. I've been single and patient for 23 years...I just don't get how much longer I have to be patient. I think that being patient so long is making me impatient. How ironic.

The last couple weeks I keep hearing how I've been different. In some ways, I think it's a good thing. There are so many things I've had to let go of and I feel like I'm slowly learning how to do that; however, at the same time, I'm not sure if the different that I am right now is so great. Things I used to care about and put a lot of effort in just don't seem as important to me anymore. Maybe that comes with readjusting my priorities or something, but I'm still trying to figure out how things should be.

Before Thanksgiving, I went to a camp for the weekend and was a counselor to high school age boys and girls. The first night we had to give our testimony. That always makes me a bit nervous. I don't mind giving my testimony anymore because I'm comfortable with it and know that it got me where I am now, but I am never quite sure how I should say things. I wonder how I would react if I were hearing someone give my testimony for the first time. I do know that when you ask God to strengthen your testimony...He'll strengthen it in ways you never thought you could handle...and then some more.

Tonite I'm really thankful for friends who will bring you energy drinks at 3 in the morning just to keep you going for the next few hours.

5 more days until warm weather!

Scatterbrained

I feel like 3am would be a great time to be sleeping...but I can't. I should really stop putting off my homework and papers. Next semester that definitely won't work. My classes just keep getting harder.

This weekend I've realized a few things:

1. I should really figure out a better way to break news to my mom. Today I had to call her and tell her that I was rear-ended when I was in a friend's car. I probably should have mentioned that we were both okay and it wasn't my car, but I just kind of blurt things out because it's easier. I guess it's really one of the only times I've had to tell her bad news. The one other time there was bad news, I didn't tell her...and to this day I have no idea who made that phone call. Those things seem irrelevant now. I am a little sore though and hope that doesn't last long.

2. My friends mean the world to me. I hate when people talk about my friends...especially when they don't know the person that they are making judgments about. I get defensive. I know I would do anything for my friends, so I just don't like when people talk bad about them.

3. I don't know when I'll meet the person that I'll spend the rest of my life with, but I do know that I am pretty picky. There are certain things you just don't do. Word to the wise...do not let a girl leave from hanging out and walk to her car alone. It'd be nice if you'd walk her to her car or at least watch to make sure she gets there. Just saying, it's respectful.

God I need you to hold on to me

23 days...

My sister's finally engaged!!!

First off, my sister FINALLY got engaged!! I'm so excited for them. They've been dating for over 4 years. He's a great guy. I get to be the Maid of Honor. I've never been in a wedding before, but I still can't wait. Now the wedding planning begins.

I'm ready to go home. I usually don't get homesick, but the last few weeks have been exhausting. I'm so physically and emotionally tired lately that I'm just counting down the days until I get to see my family. I could use their support. And I finally get to meet Sunny, my family's foreign exchange student from Norway.

I don't think I've had so many different feelings all at the same time in a looonnng while. I don't know which ones are right and which ones shouldn't be there, but it's overwhelming. I've realized a lot lately and learned more than I've wanted to. I'm trying to believe that things will work out and hopefully calm down some, but that hasn't been too promising.

My roommates are the best!

I've loved having them around...especially the last couple of crazy weeks.

It definitely helps to have friends there.

Homecoming night with some of my favorite girls.

It was fun getting ready with all of the girls

and then going to the dance together.

My little sister's dog Zoey is dressed up as a banana split for Halloween. Haha

Perfection

It's almost 2 in the morning and I'm still awake. I never used to be the type of person that cared all that much about how I did in school. The last year or so has changed that. I've become a perfectionist. Everything has to be done exactly right. Last year it worked out just fine. I tried so hard in school and I feel like it really paid off. I had fun still, but most of my time during the week was spent in the library. The weekends were more for hanging out and even then I tried to get things done before. This year has become overwhelming for me. I am trying to hard to balance things out, but I just feel like I haven't quite gotten it figured out yet. I haven't been to sleep before 2 in a least a week (minus one day because I pulled an all-nighter the night before). My school work is consuming me. Sometimes I try to think that I don't care I'll just throw things together, but I just can't do that. I hate seeing my grades when I go about things that way. So now instead I'm still up at 2am taking a break from the ridiculous amount of homework I still have to finish. One more week of classes and tests and then it's fall break! I'm so excited to see some people! That is what is getting me through this week.