Scatterbrained

I feel like 3am would be a great time to be sleeping...but I can't. I should really stop putting off my homework and papers. Next semester that definitely won't work. My classes just keep getting harder.

This weekend I've realized a few things:

1. I should really figure out a better way to break news to my mom. Today I had to call her and tell her that I was rear-ended when I was in a friend's car. I probably should have mentioned that we were both okay and it wasn't my car, but I just kind of blurt things out because it's easier. I guess it's really one of the only times I've had to tell her bad news. The one other time there was bad news, I didn't tell her...and to this day I have no idea who made that phone call. Those things seem irrelevant now. I am a little sore though and hope that doesn't last long.

2. My friends mean the world to me. I hate when people talk about my friends...especially when they don't know the person that they are making judgments about. I get defensive. I know I would do anything for my friends, so I just don't like when people talk bad about them.

3. I don't know when I'll meet the person that I'll spend the rest of my life with, but I do know that I am pretty picky. There are certain things you just don't do. Word to the wise...do not let a girl leave from hanging out and walk to her car alone. It'd be nice if you'd walk her to her car or at least watch to make sure she gets there. Just saying, it's respectful.

God I need you to hold on to me

23 days...

My sister's finally engaged!!!

First off, my sister FINALLY got engaged!! I'm so excited for them. They've been dating for over 4 years. He's a great guy. I get to be the Maid of Honor. I've never been in a wedding before, but I still can't wait. Now the wedding planning begins.

I'm ready to go home. I usually don't get homesick, but the last few weeks have been exhausting. I'm so physically and emotionally tired lately that I'm just counting down the days until I get to see my family. I could use their support. And I finally get to meet Sunny, my family's foreign exchange student from Norway.

I don't think I've had so many different feelings all at the same time in a looonnng while. I don't know which ones are right and which ones shouldn't be there, but it's overwhelming. I've realized a lot lately and learned more than I've wanted to. I'm trying to believe that things will work out and hopefully calm down some, but that hasn't been too promising.

My roommates are the best!

I've loved having them around...especially the last couple of crazy weeks.

It definitely helps to have friends there.

Homecoming night with some of my favorite girls.

It was fun getting ready with all of the girls

and then going to the dance together.

My little sister's dog Zoey is dressed up as a banana split for Halloween. Haha

Perfection

It's almost 2 in the morning and I'm still awake. I never used to be the type of person that cared all that much about how I did in school. The last year or so has changed that. I've become a perfectionist. Everything has to be done exactly right. Last year it worked out just fine. I tried so hard in school and I feel like it really paid off. I had fun still, but most of my time during the week was spent in the library. The weekends were more for hanging out and even then I tried to get things done before. This year has become overwhelming for me. I am trying to hard to balance things out, but I just feel like I haven't quite gotten it figured out yet. I haven't been to sleep before 2 in a least a week (minus one day because I pulled an all-nighter the night before). My school work is consuming me. Sometimes I try to think that I don't care I'll just throw things together, but I just can't do that. I hate seeing my grades when I go about things that way. So now instead I'm still up at 2am taking a break from the ridiculous amount of homework I still have to finish. One more week of classes and tests and then it's fall break! I'm so excited to see some people! That is what is getting me through this week.

Friends

Sometimes I wish I could just get everything figured out all at once. Tonite I'm so thankful for good friends. Even though I should have been studying, I've realized how good it is to have a friend that you can just talk to for hours and not care about how late it is. I feel like it's so good to vent and get everything out...especially when they understand where you're coming from. It just makes it seems like you're not crazy for thinking the way you do.

I'm struggling so much not being able to talk to someone that I considered a really good friend. I know I hurt him and I wish I could fix that, but right now I also realize that trying to fix it only makes it worse. That sucks. I'm scared that things won't get fixed and that this whole year is going to go by and that's gonna be it. Right now that's just how it seems. I took so much away from him and didn't even mean to. I don't understand it and I just can't. I don't think the same way. But it hurts me so much knowing that he's not going to FCA and he's not going to church and when he sees me around it just hurts him and he has to leave. To think that I influenced someone that much scares me. I said I would understand if he couldn't talk to me right now...but I don't. I want to, but I don't. I'll keep praying and hoping for the best for him. I want to be a good friend and do the right thing, I just wish that the right thing was a little more defined right now.

There's only 49 days until I go home. It has been 131 days since I've seen my parents and my house and my dogs. I miss them. I miss that comfort of having them around. I know it's hard for my parents for me to be away from them. The worry about me a lot. I think they always will...more than ever. But I also know they're proud of me. And they know I'm in the right place just like I do. I know this is where I'm supposed to be and I love it here, I just miss my family a lot! I want to be there for everything and I just can't be. It's a good thing my friends at school are like a family to me now too. I don't know what I'd do without them.

This song describes so much for me right now.

Happiness

I like to think that I'm a generally happy person. I try to be optimistic in most situations and usually do a pretty good job of it. At the same time, I like other people to be happy too. I want them to have the same optimism in hard situations and try and find a positive in even the worst things. I guess that comes from my own experiences and feeling the need to be strong for everyone else. I always have this mindset that if everyone else sees you happy in the hard times, then they'll be able to be happy too.

Lately, I've realized that not everyone has the same mindset as me. How do you make someone else happy and tell them to be optimistic when they just can't? And even more than that, how do you make someone else happy when you're part of the reason they are losing hope? I wish I could just fix everything. I want to make everything okay. I want to let them know that they're not alone and that they do mean something to someone. How do I not feel guilty for making someone else unhappy when ultimately the thing I want is for them to be happy and find hope in something? I keep hearing that it's not my fault, but I don't believe that. I even feel guilty for being happy when they aren't. I don't know what to do or how to fix it. It's not a burden that I'm not willing to carry because I do want what's best. I'm not just gonna give up and hope the best for them. That wouldn't be like me. I just want them to find hope in something and happiness in things.

One of my favorite verses on perseverance...Romans 5:3-5:

"Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us."

September 11th

September 11th will always be an important day for people. I remember everything about where I was on 9/11/01. I was a freshmen living in Chicopee, MA at the time and was in my 4th period French class when I found out what happened. I had no idea what any of it even meant. My little sister was in 4th grade at the time and her teacher's daughter died in the Twin Towers. I can't believe it's already been 9 years since it happened.

Today also marks 3 years since my Aunt Lunde's life was taken from her. It still doesn't seem right. She was getting her life back on track. I will pray for the man who took my Aunt's life. The last time I talked to my Aunt, she kept telling me that the next time I was in town that I had to come see her house. She was so proud of it and proud that she was getting things together. I know my family will be thinking about her today. She was a person full of character.

Two weeks ago I went to church with a bunch of the tennis girls. I'm so glad they're coming and seem to be enjoying the church. That Sunday the pastor talked about how everyone has a purpose. I feel like I've heard that sermon a lot...but this time I heard it in a new way and I really enjoyed it. I think too much I try to do what I want at the time and not what is right. Part of what the pastor said was about being connected to your past. He said how nothing is wasted. Experiences are important whether they were good or bad. That's the part that I liked. One quote that stuck out to me was:

"Some of your most devastating moments

in life are also your most important."

I think that is so true for me. If it weren't for all the experiences I have been through, I would not be where I am today. I wouldn't be playing tennis all the time and loving every minute of it. I have no idea what I would be doing. I really do believe that my experiences were part of my purpose and I want to live every day remembering why I am here and that I do have a purpose.

I have been playing this song non-stop lately.

This week I'm reminding myself of this quote:

"I believe that our backgrounds and circumstances influence who we are, but we and our choices are responsible for who we become."