First off, my sister FINALLY got engaged!! I'm so excited for them. They've been dating for over 4 years. He's a great guy. I get to be the Maid of Honor. I've never been in a wedding before, but I still can't wait. Now the wedding planning begins.
I'm ready to go home. I usually don't get homesick, but the last few weeks have been exhausting. I'm so physically and emotionally tired lately that I'm just counting down the days until I get to see my family. I could use their support. And I finally get to meet Sunny, my family's foreign exchange student from Norway.
I don't think I've had so many different feelings all at the same time in a looonnng while. I don't know which ones are right and which ones shouldn't be there, but it's overwhelming. I've realized a lot lately and learned more than I've wanted to. I'm trying to believe that things will work out and hopefully calm down some, but that hasn't been too promising.
My roommates are the best!
I've loved having them around...especially the last couple of crazy weeks.
It definitely helps to have friends there.
Homecoming night with some of my favorite girls.
It was fun getting ready with all of the girls
and then going to the dance together.
My little sister's dog Zoey is dressed up as a banana split for Halloween. Haha
It's almost 2 in the morning and I'm still awake. I never used to be the type of person that cared all that much about how I did in school. The last year or so has changed that. I've become a perfectionist. Everything has to be done exactly right. Last year it worked out just fine. I tried so hard in school and I feel like it really paid off. I had fun still, but most of my time during the week was spent in the library. The weekends were more for hanging out and even then I tried to get things done before. This year has become overwhelming for me. I am trying to hard to balance things out, but I just feel like I haven't quite gotten it figured out yet. I haven't been to sleep before 2 in a least a week (minus one day because I pulled an all-nighter the night before). My school work is consuming me. Sometimes I try to think that I don't care I'll just throw things together, but I just can't do that. I hate seeing my grades when I go about things that way. So now instead I'm still up at 2am taking a break from the ridiculous amount of homework I still have to finish. One more week of classes and tests and then it's fall break! I'm so excited to see some people! That is what is getting me through this week.
Sometimes I wish I could just get everything figured out all at once. Tonite I'm so thankful for good friends. Even though I should have been studying, I've realized how good it is to have a friend that you can just talk to for hours and not care about how late it is. I feel like it's so good to vent and get everything out...especially when they understand where you're coming from. It just makes it seems like you're not crazy for thinking the way you do.
I'm struggling so much not being able to talk to someone that I considered a really good friend. I know I hurt him and I wish I could fix that, but right now I also realize that trying to fix it only makes it worse. That sucks. I'm scared that things won't get fixed and that this whole year is going to go by and that's gonna be it. Right now that's just how it seems. I took so much away from him and didn't even mean to. I don't understand it and I just can't. I don't think the same way. But it hurts me so much knowing that he's not going to FCA and he's not going to church and when he sees me around it just hurts him and he has to leave. To think that I influenced someone that much scares me. I said I would understand if he couldn't talk to me right now...but I don't. I want to, but I don't. I'll keep praying and hoping for the best for him. I want to be a good friend and do the right thing, I just wish that the right thing was a little more defined right now.
There's only 49 days until I go home. It has been 131 days since I've seen my parents and my house and my dogs. I miss them. I miss that comfort of having them around. I know it's hard for my parents for me to be away from them. The worry about me a lot. I think they always will...more than ever. But I also know they're proud of me. And they know I'm in the right place just like I do. I know this is where I'm supposed to be and I love it here, I just miss my family a lot! I want to be there for everything and I just can't be. It's a good thing my friends at school are like a family to me now too. I don't know what I'd do without them.
I like to think that I'm a generally happy person. I try to be optimistic in most situations and usually do a pretty good job of it. At the same time, I like other people to be happy too. I want them to have the same optimism in hard situations and try and find a positive in even the worst things. I guess that comes from my own experiences and feeling the need to be strong for everyone else. I always have this mindset that if everyone else sees you happy in the hard times, then they'll be able to be happy too.
Lately, I've realized that not everyone has the same mindset as me. How do you make someone else happy and tell them to be optimistic when they just can't? And even more than that, how do you make someone else happy when you're part of the reason they are losing hope? I wish I could just fix everything. I want to make everything okay. I want to let them know that they're not alone and that they do mean something to someone. How do I not feel guilty for making someone else unhappy when ultimately the thing I want is for them to be happy and find hope in something? I keep hearing that it's not my fault, but I don't believe that. I even feel guilty for being happy when they aren't. I don't know what to do or how to fix it. It's not a burden that I'm not willing to carry because I do want what's best. I'm not just gonna give up and hope the best for them. That wouldn't be like me. I just want them to find hope in something and happiness in things.
One of my favorite verses on perseverance...Romans 5:3-5:
"Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us."
September 11th will always be an important day for people. I remember everything about where I was on 9/11/01. I was a freshmen living in Chicopee, MA at the time and was in my 4th period French class when I found out what happened. I had no idea what any of it even meant. My little sister was in 4th grade at the time and her teacher's daughter died in the Twin Towers. I can't believe it's already been 9 years since it happened.
Today also marks 3 years since my Aunt Lunde's life was taken from her. It still doesn't seem right. She was getting her life back on track. I will pray for the man who took my Aunt's life. The last time I talked to my Aunt, she kept telling me that the next time I was in town that I had to come see her house. She was so proud of it and proud that she was getting things together. I know my family will be thinking about her today. She was a person full of character.
Two weeks ago I went to church with a bunch of the tennis girls. I'm so glad they're coming and seem to be enjoying the church. That Sunday the pastor talked about how everyone has a purpose. I feel like I've heard that sermon a lot...but this time I heard it in a new way and I really enjoyed it. I think too much I try to do what I want at the time and not what is right. Part of what the pastor said was about being connected to your past. He said how nothing is wasted. Experiences are important whether they were good or bad. That's the part that I liked. One quote that stuck out to me was:
"Some of your most devastating moments
in life are also your most important."
I think that is so true for me. If it weren't for all the experiences I have been through, I would not be where I am today. I wouldn't be playing tennis all the time and loving every minute of it. I have no idea what I would be doing. I really do believe that my experiences were part of my purpose and I want to live every day remembering why I am here and that I do have a purpose.
I have been playing this song non-stop lately.
This week I'm reminding myself of this quote:
"I believe that our backgrounds and circumstances influence who we are, but we and our choices are responsible for who we become."
I'm officially addicted to Nicholas Sparks books. Since last week I've finished 2 more of his books...The Last Song and A Bend in the Road. I just went and got another one today to keep me entertained. The Last Song was so good! I've already seen the movie, so I basically knew the gist of what would happen, but I think I liked the book even more! I definitely got a little teary eyed at the end. Movies don't make me cry, but I guess books have a different effect on me.
I've realized that moving on is a lot harder than what I thought. Part of me feels so disconnected because I want so much to understand why things happen the way they do. I heard something that I guess only half applies, but it said "I don't want to lose you but I don't want to use you just to have someone by my side."
The singles edition of the 5 Love Languages book has been a little more relevant to me lately. My mom asked me today what I thought her love language was...I was way off! But when she asked my order of the 5, she was surprised too. I've figured out that acts of service, most of the time, makes me feel guilty. I like when people do things for me, but I find myself feeling guilty later because I don't think I deserve what they did for me. So it's definitely at the bottom of my list
Tonite was a good night. Chris (the lady I live with) had said she was making dinner for Julia's last night in town. She leaves to see her dad for 2 weeks and I'll be gone when she gets back. Dinner was delicious and then Julia said how we were celebrating my birthday too. Their family has a tradition that everyone at the table goes around and says something nice about the birthday person...so that's what they did. It was so sweet. Then they brought out the cutest cake and gave me a bracelet. I'm really gonna miss having Julia around my last 2 weeks here.
My sister's come in 5 days! My little sister will be 18 on Sunday! Ahhh. Crazy.
I get back to school in 16 days. I'm so excited.
"Too often the thing you want most is the thing you can’t have. Desire leaves us heartbroken, it wears us out. Desire can wreck your life. But as tough as wanting someone can be, the people who suffer the most are those who don’t know what they want." - Grey's Anatomy
I think that when the good outweighs the bad in your life, then you have to be pretty happy with how things are going. I've been trying to remind myself of all the good things I have in life. Lately I feel like there's a mix of good and bad.
The bad probably isn't that bad all the time. And maybe it's not even bad at all...but really a reminder that helps keep me in check. My summer hasn't been perfect. It's been raining a lot the last 2 days and I think that makes me feel more ready than ever to be done with the summer. It hasn't been bad really, but not ideal. And I've learned a lot from it. I won't get enough hours to fulfill my internship, but I've learned that I need to know exactly what I want and am going to get out of an internship before I take it. Next summer I'll be a little more selective.
In the past few years, I haven't been one to trust people, namely guys, very easily. I don't consider that a bad thing, and I don't think it will change...especially now. I need to let go of him so I can move on.
"Releasing the person is not forgiveness. Forgiveness
is a response to confession. It is rather a releasing of
my hurt and anger so that I am no longer consumed
by them. It is choosing to love people in spite of the wrong
they have done to me. It does not restore the relationship,
but it does allow me to live my life in peace and
love toward others."
Earlier this week I found out that a friend I went to high school with and was on the swimming and diving team with passed away. At first I thought maybe a car accident or something, but found out that he committed suicide. He always seemed like such a happy person and I never would have thought that things were that bad for him. My mom started talking to me about it and I did what I always do with bad situations...changed the subject. I don't like hearing things aren't good for someone, or even talking about when things aren't great for me. It's easier to change the subject. But I am thankful that I will always have people around me to remind me how important I am and how good things really are for me.
Some things are really good for me. My sisters come in 2 weeks! I can't wait to see them! We're going to have so much fun and it will be good to have part of my family here. My family is getting a foreign exchange student back in Yuma, so when they get back from vacation with me, they'll have a new sister for the year. I think that's exciting too.
I finally got an email about my internship, which is a huge sigh of relief for me. Even though I won't fulfill my internship hours this summer, I know that I don't need to be stressing out about getting 3 internships in before I graduate. Things will work out.
I am really looking forward to getting back to school and decorating my apartment! I'm actually looking forward to getting back in general. I have good classes this semester...and I'm thinking of changing my major...just slightly. It's a possibility. I feel like I'm on track. I'm excited to get back and see everyone and be on a schedule again. I'm looking forward to going to church with everyone on Sunday's and playing tennis all the time. Only 23 more days.
I really believe that there's something new to hope for everyday. And I'll continue to believe that. I started listening to The Undeserving and to Ryan Calhoun lately and really like the music. I love finding music and artists randomly and realizing that you really enjoy them.
